SHE ORGANIZED 
A CLUB. 



A FARCE 

In Two Acts and a Prologue. 



H. REA WOODMAN, 

>j 
Author of "The Noahs Afloat" and 
"The Heart and the Grown." 



Copyright, 1903, by 
H. REA WOODMAN. 



PUBLISHED BY 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, OHIO 



\ 






To the Margaret Fuller Club of Des Moines, Iowa, for 

whose pleasure the fortunes of Mrs. Hillman 

were written. 



PROLOGUE Mrs. Hillman Springs the Idea. 

Sitting Room of the Hillman Home one 
Saturday night in February, 1900. 
"I am, my dear. I am very, very much 
in earnest about 'this fool club.' " 

ACT I Mrs. Hillman Executes thel dca. 

The Parlor of the Home of Mrs. Kirk- 
bride-Symonds, Wednesday afternoon at 
3 o'clock. 

*'I guess it is started now. I have organ- 
ized a Club." 

ACT II Mr. Hillman Suffers the Results of the 
Idea. 

The Library of the Hillman Home one 
Monday morning in June, 1904. 
*'John vs^ill be glad. He approves of 
Mothers' Clubs. He said so once." 



CHARACTEES. 



Mrs. John Hillman, the Woman Who Did, 

Whose ambitions transcend domestic limitations. 

Mr. John Hillman, Only her Husband, 

Not an extraordinary man in any way. 

Mrs. William Harrison Leeborn, her Guest, 

A member of the Wimodausis, Washington, D. C. 

Miss Genevra Marie Johnston, her closest Friend, 
Who favors a purely literary club. 

Miss Elinor Hillman, her husband's Sister, 

Who thinks women's clubs a menace to home life. 

Mrs. Kirkbride-Symonds, Social Promotor. 
Who thinks it will be 'perfectly lovely ! 
Dr. Elizabeth Winter, her Professional Friend. 
Mrs. L. Mary Gables, an Old Stager. 
Miss Sara Coffin Perkins, Nobody in Particular. 
Harriet, maid to Mrs. Hillman. 



PROLOGUE. 

* (Sitting room of the Hillman home. Mr. Hillman 

absorbed in the paper. Mrs. Hillman darning little 
stockings. The room, exquisitely neat in its appoint- 
ments^ its order and arrangement.) 

She: [after a minute'* s silent, meditative darning) They 
aren't so bad as last week. Totty is the hardest 
child on his stockings I ever saw! (darns away 
absently) But it's slow work, anyway; a woman's 
work never get's anywhere. Always the same ways, 
always the same things ! (pauses, needle suspended 
in mid-air; looks at him covertly) I guess I'd better 
tell him tonight. Yes, I will. Lots of women do. 
It isn't so awful. John! (silence) John \ 

He : (mildly, not looking up) My dear? 

She : Stop and listen to me. I — I want to tell you some- 
thing. 

He : In just a minute, my dear. Here is a most remark- 
able case, a most remarkable case. Listen, (reads 
from paper) *'In Scran ton, Vermont, a young wo- 
man named Sarah Adkins has been lying in a pro- 
found sleep — " 

She : What do I care? She is lucky to be able to sleep ; 
most women haven't time! (she darns rapidly). 

He : (continuing to read) "in a profound sleep for 
sixteen days. Her respiration is — " 

She : John, for pity sakes ! If you must read to me, 
read something I care about ! 

He: (resignedly) Well, what do you care about? Di- 
vorces? We've a new one on tap this evening. 
Murders? Oh, fashions! 

She: Fashions! That's all men think we care about! I 
certainly do not care about young women up in 
Vermont who fall into strange sleeps! Sixteen 
days, — she's just pretending, anyway. 

(5) 



He : (absorbed, not having heard) Here is a man who 
has just had a new stomach put in. Think of 
that ! A new stomach ! 

She: (sarcastically) Where does he live, — in Africa? 

He : The operation took just fifty-seven minutes and ten 
seconds and the man is as good as new. Well, that 
beats the Germans ! (reads) ''Yesterday, in St. 
Luke's hospital, one of the most creditable and re- 
markable operations was performed. It — " 

She: Don't read me extracts ! If there is anything I 
hate it is having people sit around and read ex- 
tracts ! I want you to put down that old paper 
and listen to me. 

He: Aren't you interested in the progress of science? 

She: I don't call that science, getting a new stomach ! 
I want to talk to you, I said. 

He: (argumentatively) But that certainly is science. 
Medicine is science and the advance of the science 
of medicine is — 

She: (conclusively) But 1 do not need a new stomach, 
so you see it is of no consequence. I want to tell 
you — you aren't listening! 

He : Go on, my dear. I am listening. 

She : Put down that paper ! I am not going to com- 
pete with the Tribune ! 

He : (p2Us the paper flat on the floor) Fire away ! (leans 
back in his chair) . 

She : I think, I think (impressively) I shall organize a 
club. 

He: (vaguely) K cImW 

She: (very flrmly) A club. 

He : A club. Indian club, base ball club, health club, 
suicide club— 

(6) 



She: A woman's club, you know. Don't be stupid. 

He : My dear, it is too late to make me over. You are 
going to organize a woman's club? "What do my 
ears deceive me?" as they say at the matinees? 

She : I am going to organize a club. 

He : Then my ears do not deceive me ; my acoustic 
properties are intact. Go on, divulge your plan. 
If I grasp it in driblets I may survive. 

She: I think I need some outside interests; something 
essentially intellectual. A woman gets so — sonar- 
row, you know, shut up in the home. Marriage 
is the graveyard of a woman's mentality, (she 
sits erect and looks determined). 

He: Who said that? Please repeat, — "Repeat softly." 

She: Marriage is the grave of a woman's mentality. 

He: Where did you get it? 

She: Get it? 

He: Who said it first? 

She : 1 have ideas of my own. I said it — first. 

He : No, you didn't. Some short-haired woman with 
tracts said it first. 

She: [with dignity) WomQia. do not have to have short 
hair to — to say things first. 

He : Well, that isn't here nor there. Who said that? 

She: (hesitatingly) Well, Mrs. Leeborn said it, then. 

He : I knew it ! It looks like her back hair. Well, go 
on. 

She: John, aren't you ashamed? And she is such a 
clever woman and your guest, too ! 

He : I am speaking of her in her professional capacity, 
you know. But go on ; why do you yearn to found 
a club? 

(7) 



She: A club gives one opportunity for culture, makes 
one's life broader — 

He : (ala) Mrs. Leeborn again ! I am sick and tired of 
that word 'culture' ! 

She : O yes, of course you are ! You want to keep 
us housed up like the greasy old Turks do ! 

He: The Turks aren't so slow. They have solved *The 
Woman Question' ! 

She : Solved it? Locking women up in cages, — muffling 
'em in veils ! You call that a solution ! {looks un- 
speakable things) Anyway, I shall organize a club. 

He: (taking oj^ his eye-glasses) Now, let us look at 
this matter reasonably. First, you want 'intellect- 
ual culture', — is that the technical term? Thank 
you. Now the house is full of books, but I'll buy 
a publishing house — 

She: Oh, books! What are just books? What I want 
is contact with people of brains — experience. One 
must come in contact with intelligent and progres- 
sive women — 

He: * 'Progressive women !" A lot of gad-abouts who 
neglect their homes and wear be-drabbled skirts ! 
(she darns in silence). Aren't there any women's 
clubs in town? 

She: Yes, eight. 

He : (with finality, picking up the paper) Seven too 
many now. Join six of them, why don't you? 
Why create more trouble? 

Shel: have a better plan in mind than any of them, 
that's why! 

He : Oh, I see. You pine for some new variety, some 
boundless contiguity of club shade, as it were. 
Is it something unique in the annals of club 
venture ? 

(8) 



She: It is easy to ridicule. Anybody can do that! 

He : I am not ridiculing. I am trying to understand, 

with my poor, weak man's mind- 
She : Don't be sarcastic! You can't imagine how ugly 

your mouth looks! 

He: I don't care. It is my mouth. 

She: It certainly is ! Only a cannibal would own it! I 
wouldn't get mad if I were you ! 

He : I am not mad. That is always a woman's stock 
argument ! 

She: And a man's stock argument is sarcasm! Don't 
rustle your paper so ! It makes me nervous ! 

He : {large-mindedly) I beg your pardon. Drive on 
with your cultivator, my dear. 

She: (^meekly) Well, dear, you see we women are in the 
house so much that we lose all sense of proportion. 
We become little and — and hard. Only contact 
with the great world can give us breadth and sym- 
pathy. We must get out. 

He: Get out, — get out? As if you didn't ! The streets 
are impassable for women now ! 

She: (severely) It is all very well for you to tell us to 
stay in and attend to the house, but how would 
you like it? Shut in four walls, day and night? 
You would go crazy! {he opens his mouth to speah, 
then shuts it determedly) . I do get so tired of the 
house ! Just always doing the same old things ! 
Sorting soiled clothes, putting away clean ones, 
making desserts, replacing broken dishes, wrang- 
ling with the cook, — just the same things over! 
And darning stockings ! Sometimes I get so tired 
of stockings I never want to see a s-stocking again. 

He: {looking at her anxiously) Organize ten clubs if it 
will make you any happier! I didn't know you 

(9) 



were so miserable. 

She '. I am not miserable. I never said I was. Only I 
want variety. 

He: Why, your life is a vaudeville, a continuous per- 
formance I Talk about variety, — what do you cal3 
five cooks in two months? 

She; You're making fun of my ideas. I call that awfully 
mean! 

He ; No I'm not. I only mean your life is a Wild West 
show compared to mine. You women don't know 
your advantages, clamoring for variety. Well, we'll 
buy an elephant or tiger ; I'll do anything, — any- 
thing. But (soothingly) you are tired tonight, 
my dear. 

She : I am not tired I Whenever I show a mind of my 
own, you say I am tired and pet me. You want us 
to be babies or — or p-puppets ! 

He; {with sudden light) Where have you been to-day, 
you women? 

She: {wearily) Oh, everywhere. We went to two re- 
ceptions; horrid affairs, all crowded and stuffy! I 
just believe Mrs. Leeborn got her headache at Mrs. 
Merrill's. It was such a crush ! 

He : Is that all? 

She : And we did some shopping, — just a little. 

He: {patiently) Is that all? 

She : Yes, or no, no. Mrs. Kirkbride-Symonds gave a 
morning musicale. We dropped in there for an 
hour. 

He: Your nerves are fringed. I thought so. Talk 
about getting out; there hasn't a business man in 
town covered that much ground today. Where 
did you lunch? 

She : At Green's. 

(10) 



He : {sloivly) What did you have? 

She: Why? 

He: A woman lunches on all sorts of fluffy gim cracks 
and by eight o'clock she has— tantrums. 

8he : (straightens up) Tantrums ! 

He : Well, she sees visions and dreams dreams. 

She : The idea of a club has been in my mind for weeks ; 
luncheon hadn't anything to do with it. 

He: It aggravated the trouble, no doubt. It is all a 
matter of nerves. You haven't time for a club. 
Attend to your house. 

She : Oh yes, that is the way to keep women from com- 
petition ! Pen 'em up in the houses ! 

He : My dear, that is a compliment to your sex. 

She : We don't want compliments ; we want our natural 
rights. 

He: (with a low long whistle) ''Natural rights" ! By 
the Cocked Hat of George Washington! Your 
natural rights! Madam President, I rise for in- 
formation. What are the Natural Eights of 
Women? 

She : To breathe fresh air the same as you men, of 
course. Anyway, I shall organize a club. Mrs. 
Kirkbride-Symonds is very enthusiastic. 

He: You bet she is. Her enthusiasm is always on tap. 

She: {folding stockings) And so is Mrs. Gables. 

He : So Mary Ann Gabbles is enlisted in the good cause ! 
Then it'll go like an automobile — until it blows 
up ! Dear Sister Gabbles, she is a very paragon 
of an agitator! (a silence \ she folds stockings^ he 
drums idly on the table) Say, you aren't in earnest 
about this fool club, are you? 

She : {slowly^ patiently ^ definitely) I am, my dear. I 

(11) 



am very, very much in earnest about 'this fool 
club'. 

He: (miserably) So it has come at last. I am to have 
a wife like other men have. Heretofore, my love, 
you have been unique. Where shall we board? 

She: Board? We,-— board? 

He : The house cannot run itself, you know, and I am 
no cook. 

She: [rising and beginning to set things Ho rights^) I 
guess I can run a club and a house, too. Hundreds 
of women do. 

He: (grinning sadly) Oh jes, run 'em, but whereto? 
And what's to become of the children, poor little 
kids? 

She : (fluffing up sofa cushions) I shall not cease to love 
my children because I begin to use my head. 

He : And I shall not cease to be cheerful although I see 
my finish ! When is the — the first breaking of 
home ties? 

She: I don't know what you mean. 

He: The temporary-chairman, provisional-committee 
fracas? 

She : Oh, next Wednesday ; next Wednesday at three 
o'clock. 

He: Then, ''Farewell, happy fields, 

Where joy forever dwells! Hail horrors, hail. 
Infernal world ! And thou, prof oundest Hell — " 

She: John! 

He: (raving about) " — And thou profoundest hell. 
Receive thy new possessor ! One who brings 
A mind not to be changed by place or time. 
The mind is— " 

She : (severely) John, what is the matter with you? 

(12) 



He : That's only Milton, my dear. He was an exam- 
plary husband and father, though they do say his 
first wife clubbed him. It's Satan's farewell to 
Heaven. I consider it very appropiate. 

She: {moving towards the door) I don't see it myself. 
I'm going up stairs. When you are done raving 
about, turn out the lights. Harriet has gone to 
bed. And be careful of Mrs. Leeborn's trunk; 
you have fallen over it every night since she came. 

He: (crossly) Well, it oughtn't to be in the hall! 

She : (firmly) It is in the hall and you must get used to 
it. (she goes, carrying stockings) 

He : (solus, hunting a match) Rum old address, that 
farewell of Satan's. I know how he felt. 

'* — One who brings 
A mind not to be changed by place or time. 
The mind is its own place, and in itself 

Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." 
(he lights a cigar.) 

*'What matter where, if — if — what matter where, 
if—" 

She : (from above) John, when you come up, bring my 
manicure scissors, — the little curved ones. And 
is my side-comb anywhere? I dropped ifr; be care- 
ful how you step. The scissors are on the table, I 
guess, — or on the mantel. You find 'em. 

He : (grimly, looking around, but standing still) The 
time WILL come when we cannot find the table. 
(very loud) Yes, my dear ! 



(13) 



ACT 1. 



Mrs. Leeborn 



Mrs. Hillman; 

Mrs. Leeborn : 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Hostess : 

Mrs. Hillman 

Hostess 

Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Leeborn; 
Mrs. Hillman 



(Mrs. Kirkhride-Symonds'' parlor, Wed- 
nesday afternoon at three o^clock. Room 
quietly ^^swelV in its appointments. Mrs. 
Kirkhride-Symonds, Mrs. Hillman and 
Mrs Leeborn) 

(with importance but resignation) Yes, 
there is a great deal of the formal organ- 
ization to be gone through with, do the 
best one can, you know. 
Couldn't we have a club without consti- 
tutions and by-laws and things? They 
scare me awfully! 

(solemnly) No, my dear, most certainly 
not. That is, if you want a permanent 
organization. If you don't— 

(hastily) Oh, of course it must be perma- 
nent. 

Yes, of course it must be permanent and 
and we'll have to have a charter — 

A — a charter? 

Yes, a charter from the state, you know* 

(quite scared) The state! Oh gracious, I 
did not know that! I thought just corpor- 
ations had to have charters and — and 
street cars ! I can't get any, — I don't 
know how. 

You do not have to get it; the club will 
attend to that. 

Can't we do anything today without one? 
Why didn't you tell me about the — the 
charter? (reproachfully to Mrs. Leeborn) 
John could have got one for me ; men know 
all about these things. Why didn't you 
tell me, Caroline? 

(14) 



Mrs. Leeborn 

Mrs. Hillman 

Hostess 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Leeborn 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Leeborn 



Mrs. Hillman 



Miss Perkins 



We have to organize first. We do not 
need it to-day. 

(relaxing) Oh, well then, it doesn't mat- 
ter to-day. 

No, not now, but we must get one later. 
This club must become a permanent fea- 
ture, you know, — a force in our intellec- 
tual life. Your name will be famous, 
Mrs. Hillman. (a bell rings) There are 
some recruits! (leaves the room). 

(ill at ease) But I don't see why we must 
do the same old things. For a literary 
club, a club which has no distinctly soci- 
alistic aims — 

It is quite the same, quite the same. You 
must organize thoroughly. Everything 
depends upon the organization. Why, ^*« 
the Wimodausis — 



m 



Mrs. Hillman 



(meekly but hopefully) But the Wimodau- 
sis has such entirely different aims, my 
dear. 

(largely) The Wimodausis, my dear, is 
the only club that — 

(Enter the Hostess loith Miss Perkins.) 

(rising) Well, I'm glad you came, very 
glad. I've been wondering if you would 
forget. 

Forget ! I guess not. I am very anxious 
to have a really literary clab in this town, 
a club that will do some work. There 
isn't a single club that works, actually 
works. I think this is a splendid idea! 

(Highly gratified) I am glad you feel so, 
I am sure. 



(15) 



Miss Perkins : 
Mrs, Leeborn : 

Miss Perkins : 
Hostess : 

Mrs. Hillman: 
Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Hillman 

Hostess : 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Mrs. Hillman 
Miss Perkins 



Mrs. Hillman 

Miss Perkins : 

Hostess : 

Miss Perkins 



Yes, and there are others. It will take 
like wild-fire ! 

That's what I told her, Miss Perkins. It 
will be a very popular movement. And 
she said if you would help — 

Oh, I'm glad to help you out. 

Of course Miss Perkins will help you out. 
And she is the very one. 

I'll need helping out, I'm sure of that. I 
positively feel faint- 
Now, for pity sakes, don't get nervous. We 
will all help you. It really isn't a hard 
thing to do, you know, — ^just organize. 

(weakly) No, of course not — just organ- 
ize. 

No, it isn't hard, only tedious. 

That's what I've been telling her, that 
it really isn't anything. I've had to keep 
her braced up all week. 

Oh Caroline, don't! 

(making a dive for a cushion on an oppo- 
site couch) What a lovely cushion? So 
unique ! May I copy it ! It is so hard to 
get anything new in pillows! Who 
would have thought of that? 

Nobody but Mrs.Kirkbride-Symonds. She 
always thinks of the most lovely things ! 

(examining cushion closely) Is it hard to 
do? It IS lovely, I declare! 

It is very easy and very simple, you see. 
Just a simple cat-stitch, very, very fine. 
But it is rather effective, I think. 

Very effective, very ! 

(16) 



Mrs. Leeborn 
Mrs. Hillman: 
Miss Perkins: 

Mrs. Hillman 
Miss Perkins; 

Mrs. Hillman: 

Hostess ; 

Miss Perkins 
Hostess : 

Mrs. Hillman 
Miss Perkins 



Mrs. Leeborn; 
Miss Perkins 

Hostess : 

Miss Perkins 
Mrs. Leeborn : 



So effective! And the work looks very 
elaborate. 

Doesn't it? I've been making some new 
ones of handkerchiefs. 

Yes, they're very sensible. After all, give 
me something that will wash. Where do 
you get the handkerchiefs? 

At Norton's. Lovely ones for ten cents. 

Ten cents! That's awfully cheap. Are 
they cotton? 

No, — or yes, silkaleen, you know. In all 
shades. The most lovely shades ! 

You can get them at the Hub for eight 
cents. 

The same kind? 

Yes, they're the same, but the Hub is al- 
ways so crowded. 

And such cheap people go there. I would 
rather pay ten cents at Norton's any day. 

So would I. I shall certainly get some. I 
don't get much time, what with clubs and 
Orphan's Homes and things, I keep on 
the Jump. 

But there are odd moments, you know. 

Yes, I've heard of odd moments but I've 
never seen any. 

Who was that woman who made bread 
and rocked the cradle and read deep 
books, all at once? 

Nobody ever did. That's a campaign 
story. 

It was Lucretia — Lucretia What's Her 
Name, — that pretty Quakeress, oh, you 

(17) 



Miss Perkins 

Mrs. Hillman : 
Miss Perkins 

Mrs. Leeborn 
Misa Perkins 



Mrs. Hillman 
Hostess : 

Miss Perkins : 
Mrs. Hillman ; 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Leeborn 

Miss Perkins ; 

Hostess : 

Mrs. Hillman 



all know. Mott,tIrat's it. Lucretia Mott^ 
of Philadelphia. 

She must have been a wonderful woman ;; 
Barnum could have made two fortune© 
with her. Did he know her? 

She was born before his day, wasn't she ? 



Hard lines for Barnum ! 
husband? 



Did she have a 



Yes, I think so. O yes, he was a preacher. 

[with decision) That accounts for her 
having to do six things at once! (a clock 
somewhere strikes four) Why, is that four 
o'clock? 

{starting) It is four o'clock ! Oughtn't 
we to commence? 

That clock is fast. We keep it for Alger- 
non to go to school by. {each one consults 
her watch), 

I have twelve minutes to four. 

It is a quarter to four. 

And we were to meet at three! {looks 
dignified disapproval.) 

{dropping cushion she has been studying 
at intervals) Let^s commence? 

I think we had better. There is a good 
deal to do. 

And it must be done to-day. I am crazy 
to get the club started. 

Let's wait until four o'clock. {a hell- 
rings clamorously) There are the girls, 
{she goes) 

{shifting the loose papers and hooks on 
her lap uneasily) Oh, I am so nervous! 

(18) 



Mrs. Leeborn: 

* 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Miss Perkins: 

Mrs. Hillman: 
Miss Hillman: 

Hostess : 
Miss Hillman: 
Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Hillman: 

Miss Hillman : 

Hostess : 
Mrs. Hillman: 
Miss Hillman : 

Miss Perkins : 
Miss Johnston ; 

Hostess : 
Mrs. Hillman : 



[with spacious assurance) You needn't be. 
These things run themselves. 

[with a little gasp) Oh, I wish to goodness 
they did! 

Well, keep your head ! 

{Enter Miss Hillman^ Miss Johnston and 

th^ Hostess). 

Why, Elinor, we didnH expect you! How 
do you do, Marie? 

(grimly) It's my duty, I suppose, to know 
what's going on in the family. Besides, 
I've never seen a club — manufactured. 

"Manufactured" is good. 

Concocted, then. 

Why not created? Made out of nothing, 
you know. 

It's nice of you to come, anyway. I ap- 
preciate it. 

Oh, it's being in the family, you know, 
made a difference. I think we've never 
had a club in our family. 

(gracefully) Then your making history. 
How very interesting ! 

(almost in tears) You're making fun of 
me! 

No I'm not, but it is a departure, you 

know. 

Speaking of departure, let's begin. 

(who has been talking the Mrs. Leeborn) 
Let's! 

(to Mrs. Hillman) Shall we begin? 

(arranging papers nervously) Y-e-s, — yes 
indeed, (a moment of expectant silence) 

(19) 



Yes, let's begin. (Mrs. Hillman rise& 
stiffly and stands behind her chair) LadieSy 
you all know — that is, we have talked 
over — or decided to have (she drops '•Rob- 
erf s Rules\ which Miss Johnston recov- 
ers) Oh, thane: you! We have met to- 
gether for the purpose — 

Miss John&ton : Sounds like a wedding; 'Dearly beloved^ 
we are assembled together — ' 

Hush, Marie ! Go on, Mrs. Hillman. 

(with an effort) We are here for — to — to 
decide upon — 

(cutting in luith decision) We all know 
what we are here for. What's the use? 

That's what I say. There's no questioB 
what we're here for. We all know. We've 
talked of nothing else for two weeks 1 



Miss Perkins : 
Mrs. Hillman ; 

Miss Perkins : 

Miss Johnston 



Mrs. Leeborn : 
Miss Johnston ; 
Mrs. Leeborn: 

Hostess I 

Miss Johnston ; 
Miss Perkins : 
Miss Johnston 
Miss Perkins : 
Mrs. Hillman r 
Hostess : 
Mrs. Hillman: 



It is the accepted form. 

Who cares for forms? I hate 'em! 

But if we are going to effect an organiza- 
tion, we must proceed in a— a legal man- 
ner. 

(rising) I move that Miss Perkins act a© 
temporary chairman. 

I second the motion. 

I do not think I am — 

Oh yes, you are. You're just the one, 

I don't think that — 

Oh PLEASE do ! 

(to Mrs, Hillman) You put the motion. 

You have heard the movement. All in 
favor signify by saying I, 

(20) 



Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Hillman: 
Miss Johnston : 

Hostess : 

Miss Perkins : 

Hostess : 

Miss Perkins : 

Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 
Mrs. Hillman ; 

All; 
Mrs. Hillman ; 

Miss Johnston 
Mrs. Hillman 

Hostess : 

Miss Perkins : 

Miss Perkins : 

' Mrs. Hillman: 



Aren't you going to give time for re- 
marks? 

(vaguely) Remarks? 

Nobody has any remarks to make. Ques- 
tion ! 

(smiling on Miss Perkins) I call for the 
question ! 

(rising) Madam Chairman,! wish to say — 

(still smiling archly)! call for the question ! 

I do not feel that I am — 

I call for the question! Question! 

(very much frightened) All in the favor 
of the — the movement — of Miss Perkins 
being president — 

(very gently) Chairman. 

Of Miss Perkins being — I mean acting as 
chairman, signify by saying I. 

(in cresendo) I! I! I! 

(shutting ^Boherfs Bules^) It is carried. 
Miss Perkins, you are — ■ 

Temporary chairman. Miss Perkins, you 
are It. 

(with official exactness) Miss Perkins is 
elected Temporary Chairman. 

(playfully) Speech! Speech! (everybody 
applauds) 

(rising gravely) Ladies, what is your 
further pleasure? (silence) 

(more gravely) What is the business be- 
fore us, ladies.? 

(desperately) Oughtn't we to have a — a 
secretary, don't you think? 

(21) 



Miss Johnston : 

Hostess : 

Miss Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Miss Hillman : 
Mrs. Leeborn 

Miss Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 
Miss Perkins : 

All 

Miss Johnston 

Miss Hillman 



Miss Johnston 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Miss Hillman : 



Miss Perkins: 
Mies Hillman 



Yes, let's have a corresponding — 

Of course. I move Miss Hillman — 

Oh no, please excuse me ! 

[agreeably) Lady doesn't want to be 
moved. 

[imploringly) O yes, Elinor, do — please! 
It'll be so nice to have you ! 

I don't — I do not, I mean, I do not want — 

Oh yes, my dear, you will. I second the 
nomination. 

(struggling to her feet, Miss Johnston 
holding her down) Really, ladies, I have 
never begin — been, I mean — 

Question ! Question ! 

All in favor of Miss Hillman acting as 
Secretary, signify — 

(Jubilantly) I ! I! 

There, now will you be good? 

Oh dear me, I am elected ! I have never 
been elected before. Isn't it queer! I 
haven't any pencil or paper. (Mrs. Hill- 
man supplies both) Do I need a table? 

(looks helplessly around), 

(rising) Tsike my chair, (drops her furs) . 

(rises, dropping gloves aiid pochetbooh) 
No, take this chair. 

(sinks into chair nearest the table) Oh, 
thank you ! (picks up Miss Johnston'' s furs) 
I am ready, I guess, (prepares to write) 
What is it that I am to put down? 

Everything that we do. 

Do? 

(22) 



Miss Perkins : 

Miss Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 

Hostess : 

Miss Johnston : 

Mies Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 

Miss Hillman : 

Miss Johnston: 

Miss Hillman : 

Mrs. Leeborn: 

Miss Johnston : 

Miss Hillman 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Miss Johnston : 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Miss Johnston 



I mean all that we say. 

I am not a phonograph ! (bell rings) 

There's the bell, Mrs. Kirkbride-Symonds ! 

I hope that is Mrs. Gables. She promised 
to come, (goes out with much rustling) 

Now, let's proceed to name the club. 
That'll be fun! 

(looking super -naturally attentive) Do I 
put that down? 

What? 

What you said? 

What did I say? O, no you needn't put 
that down. Just important things. 

(anxiously) How am I to tell what is im- 
portant? 

Just the necessary, — the vital things you 
know. 

You can tell. It's easy. Only motions 
and things like that. 

Oh, thank you ! 

The next thing is the appointment of a 
committee for — 

Do we have to have that old committee 
tape in this club? (turns to Mrs. Hill- 
man) I am dead tired of that sort of 
thing. 

Why, of course committees are necessary, 
aren't they, Mrs. Leeborn? 

(with large patience) My dear Miss John- 
ston, the club idea — 

(recklessly) Who cares for the 'club idea' ! 
Let's have a new one , — I adore new ideas ! 

(23) 



Miss Hillman 



(^0 Miss Hillman, who is writing very 
fast) You needn't put any of this down. 

(sinks back) Oh, thank you. 

(SJnter Mrs. Gables, Dr. Winter and the 
Hostess). 

Mrs. Gables : [affably ^nodding and ducking about) Well, 
fellow-conspirators, how far you got? 

Not very far. You are late. 

Yes, we're awfully late. I had to stop at 
the hospital. 



Mrs. Hillman 
Dr. Winter 



Miss Hillman 
and 
Miss Johnston 

Dr. Winter : 



Mrs. Gables 

Miss Johnston : 



Miss Hillman 

Miss Perkins : 
Dr. Winter 

Mrs. Gables: 
Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Leeborn : 
Hostess ; 



> Who's sick? 

Only an accident ; man fell off a telegraph 
pole. 

Broke all the bones he had, — positively! 

Horrors ! And he has a wife and eleven 
children, I suppose ! Such men are al- 
ways falling off high places. They 
shouldn't let such men go up telegraph 
poles ! 

(chewing her pencil absently) Of course 
he will die? 

(stiffly) Ladies, let us have order ! 

Oh I BEG your pardon. You have com- 
menced. 

Excuse me ! Let the ball proceed ! 

(more graciously) The next thing is the 
appointment of a committee to draft a 
constitution. 

(rising) Madam Chairman, I think the 
next thing is a name for the club. 



Yes, let's select a name now. 



I move- 



(24) 



Miss Johnston: 

Mrs. Gables : 

Mrs. Leeborn: 

Miss Jolinston : 



Dr. Winter: 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Miss Johnston : 

Hostess : 

Mrs. Gables: 

Mts. Leeborn : 

Miss Perkins : 
Mrs. Hillman : 
Mrs. Gables 

Miss Perkins 

Mrs. Gables 

Miss Perkins 

Miss Johnston 



Let's! I think The Classic Study would 
be a nice name. 

But it is not decided that we'll study the 
classics! 

Madasn Chairman, the matter of a name 
is better handled by a committee. In the 
Wimodausis — 

(promptly veering) I move a constitution 
committee be appointed. The name of 
the club will be in the constitution. Let 
the committee decide. 

The name of the club is of minor import- 
ance. Let us — 

I don't think the committee ought to de- 
cide everything ! 

The committee report to us, you know. 
We really decide. 

[rising quickly) I object to the commit- 
tee's deciding! 

So do 1 ! I move that we proceed to se- 
lect a name for the club. 

Madam Chairman, I second the motion. 

There is a motion before the house. 

No, there isn't. 

{rising in haste and dropping her gloves 
and stole) There is no motion before the 
house. Have I the floor? 

There is a motion before the house. 

(grimly) Whose? 

Miss Johnston moved — 

(looking up from memoranda she is writ- 
ing) Yes, Madam Chairman, I sure did 
but there wasn't any second. 

(25) 



Dr. Winter : 
Mrs. Gables : 

Miss Perkins : 
Hostess : 

Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Gables : 

Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Gables 



Miss Johnston 

Mrs. Gables 

Hostess 

Miss Perkins 

Dr. Winter 

Miss Perkins 

Miss Hillman 



I move as a substitute motion — 

(still standing) Madam Chairman, have 
I the floor? 

Mrs. Kirkbride-^ymonds has a motion. 

No, I haven't. I didn't make it. I was 
only going to. 

All right. Ladies, you have heard the 
motion ; all in favor — 

(with much coldness) Madam Chairman, 
have I the floor? 

(sitting down) You seem to have, Mrs 
Gables. Proceed. 

I wish to make a few remarks on my mo- 
tion. The matter of a name can not be 
left in the hands of a constitution com- 
mittee. It ought to be done by itself; 
the name is a very important thing. I 
think a naming committee should be ap- 
pointed to report at this meeting. And 
any one who desires can hand the com- 
mittee the names they would like to sug- 
gest. It will take all day to decide on a — 

Your motion did not say a committee. 

Well, I meant a committee, anyway. 

I call for the motion. 



(rising) All in favor of the motion — 

What is the motion? 

The Secretary will please read the motion. 

(starting) I beg your pardon. I forgot I 
was Secretary. I haven't the motion. 

Miss Perkins: (coldly) You must get the motions, Miss 
Hillman. Fortunately, I remember the 
motion. It has been moved and carried, 

(26) 



Mrs. Leeborn: 

Mrs. Hiilman : 
Mrs. Leeborn: 
Miss Johnston 

Mrs. Leeborn : 
Dr. Winter 



Miss Johnston : 

Dr. Winter: 
Miss Johnston : 

Miss Hiilman : 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Dr. Winter : 

Mrs. Gables 

Miss Johnston 

Miss Perkins 

Miss Hiilman 



moved and seconded, I should say, that 
we now proceed to select a name for the 
club. Are there any remarks? 

(rises very formally) It will take less 
time, Madam Chairman , to select a name 
by this method. 

What method? 

To name it now. 

(sharply) Name what, the club or the 
committee? 

To name the committee now. 

Madam Chairman, I think if we all had 
some say in selecting the name, it would 
be more democratic. If there is anything 
kills interest, it is having committees do 
everything. 

Right you are, Doc. Your head's level. 
But what can you do? 

Do? What do you mean? 

Everybody wants it done by a committee ; 
what can you do? 

: But it takes time ! 

: (maj ester tally) Of course it takes time to 
to organize a club. Rome wasn't built 
in a day. 

: I move as a substitute motion — 

: Motion before the house ! Question! 

: Question ! Question ! 

: Ladies, are you ready for the motion? 

: (aside to 3Irs. Kirkbride-Symonds) I 
think The Leisure Club would be a pretty 
name. 

(27) 



Miss Johnston 



Mrs. Gables: 

Miss Hillman : 
Dr. Winter 
Miss Perkins 

Mrs. Hillman 
Miss Perkins : 



Mrs. Gables : 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Miss Johnston 
Mrs. Gables: 

Miss Perkins : 

Mrs. Gables : 

Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Gables : 

Dr. Winter : 

Miss Perkins : 



{aside to Mrs. Hillman) Wouldn't The 
Classic Study Club be pretty? I do not 
know which I like best. But Classic 
Study sounds sort of distinguished, don't 
you think } 

It is very important that we have a name 
of some dignity. * 'Leisure Hour" doesn't 
seem like work. 

It isn't strenuous enough for Mrs. Gables ! 

{consulting watch) I call for the question ! 

Yes, ladies, let us have order. All in 
favor of selecting the name — 

When? Today? 

All in favor of selecting a name immedi- 
ately- — {a maid appears at the door and 
beckons Mrs. Kirkhride-Symonds out) 
Ladies, your attention ! All in favor of 
selecting a name immediately — 

That is not the way the motion reads. 

I thought Mrs. Gables meant appoint a 
committee. 

It's near enough. Go on, Miss President. 

{rising wrathfully) That wasn't my idea 
at all ! 

{changing her position wearily) What 
wasn't? 

To select a name in the way you mean. 

Question ! Question ! 

My motion meant — 

{winking at Miss Johnston) Question! 

{hastily) All in favor signify by saying 
I. 

(28) 



(Mrs, Gables sits toith a thud, disgusted.) 
All: (in varying degrees of enthusiasm) II I! 

Dr. Winter : (springing to her feet) I move a commit- 
tee be appointed to select a list of names 
and report to us immediately. A com- 
mittee of two. 

Mrs. Hillman: (helplessly) When? Now? 

Miss Perkins : (pounding on the table) Let the lady ex- 
plain her motion. 

Dr. Winter : I am waiting for a second, Madam Chair- 
man. 

Miss Johnston : If she means report at the next meeting 
I second the motion. 

Dr. Winter: (^ar%) I don't mean that. I said what 
I meant. 

Miss Johnston : Then I don't. I make a motion— -(Mrs. 
KirTcbride-Symonds comes rustling in, 
whispers to Mrs. Gables who tip-toes out 
with broadcast apologies) I make a mo- 
tion — 

Mrs. Leeborn : I second the motion, Madam Chairman. 

Miss Johnston : There isn't time to-day. 

Miss Hillman : Why, how can we decide to-day? I haven't 
an idea what I want. 

Hostess : Neither have I. I move we wait. 

Dr. Winter: (rising) Then let somebody who has an 
idea talk! (Mrs, Kirkbride-Symonds 
glares) There are people who know what 
they want. If we are going to get any- 
where — 

Mrs. Hillman: (in surprise) Why, I think we are getting 
along very nicely ! 

(29) 



Mrs. Leeborn : It is no light task to organize a club. 
(speaks to Mrs. Eillman aside) 

Hostess: (sarcastically) Of course, so long as there 
are people who haven't any ideas — 

Miss Perkins: (pounding hard on the table) Ladies, will 
you pay attention to the business? It has 
been moved — 

Miss Johnston : Oh my goodness, it's five o'clock ! I've got 
a dinner date! 

Miss Hillman : So that's it ! I wondered what your rush 
was, Marie. 

Miss Johnston : I've got to go and I move a substitute 
motion that we — I mean the Chair — ap- 
point a committee of three to draft a con- 
stitution. 

Dr. Winter : You can't make a substitute motion about 
something different ! 

Miss Johnston : can, too. I can move whatever I want 
to! 

Mrs. Leeborn: (to Mrs. Hillman) The motion wasn't 
seconded anyway. 

Dr. Winter: She can't! I appeal to the Chair. 

Miss Johnston : I just can move a substitute motion ! 
Madam President — 

Dr. Winter: I appeal to the Chair! 

Miss Perkins : I rule the substitute out. 

Miss Johnston : The very idea ! I appeal from the decis- 
ion of the Chair, so there ! 
(General consternation. Murmurs of *'0 
my goodnessp'' and ^^How meanp^ and 
^^Well, did you ever!^^) 

Miss Perkins: (calmly) The Chair is unable to decide 
and will ask Mrs. Leeborn. 

(80) 



Mrs. Leeborn : I'm sure I don't know, — don't ask me ! I 
t think she can't, though. 

Miss Perkins: {with much gravity) The Chair rules she 
can't. We will now vote on the question. 

Miss Johnston : {putting on her gloves) Vote it down ! 
Vote it down ! 

Miss Perkins : All in favor of a committee to draft a 
constitution — 

Dr. Winter: That's not the motion. That is the substi- 
tute ruled out. 

Miss Perkins : {with dignity) The Chair stands corrected. 
All in favor of a committee to select a 
name say I. 

All: I! No! No! No! 

Miss Perkins : The motion is lost. 

{Re-enter Mrs, Gables with elaborate effort 
to be quiet,) 

Mrs. Gables : Where are you at? 

Miss Johnston : Where you left us. Now, my motion, — 
about the constitution, you know. 

Mrs. Gables: What was your motion, Maria? 

Miss Hillman : It is too late to discuss that. 

Miss Johnston: Don't discuss it, then. Second it. 

Mrs. Leeborn: I second the motion, {to Mrs. Hillman) 
We might as well rush it through. 

Mrs. Hillman: {to Mrs. Leeborn) We ought to have all 
the committees appointed, oughtn't we? 
So they can get to work right away? 

Miss Perkins : Ladies, it is getting late. Let us pay at- 
tention to business. All in favor say I. 

Mrs. Gables: Madam Chairman, what is the motion? 

(31) 



Miss Johnston : It's all right, Mrs. Gables, vote yes. 
Question ! 
Miss Perkins : All in favor — 

Miss Johnston : I! I! 

Miss Perkins : (rapping smartly with pencil) Let us have 
a full vote, please. All in favor say 1. 

All: {in splendid chorus) I! 

Miss Perkins : (smiling approval) How shall the com- 
V mittee be appointed? 

Miss Johnston : (looking at her watch) You. 

Dr. Winter : By the Chair. 

Miss Perkins: (sizing them up rapidly) I appoint Mrs. 
Leeborn — 

Mrs. Leeborn : No, as I do not live here, I think — 

Miss Hillman : Yes, do. You are such a help ! 

Miss Johnston : (guilessly) You have had so much exper- 
ience in the Wimodausis, you know. 

Miss Perkins : I appoint Mrs. Leeborn, Miss Hillman 
and Mrs. Gables. (Miss Hillman rises 
hut is pulled down by Mrs. Gables), 

Mrs. Gables: (triumphantly) Drive on, Miss Hillman 
will serve, (a murmur rises, everybody 
talking to her neighbor. The Hostess puts 
up two window shades and opens a reg- 
ister). 

Miss Perkins : Is there anything further, ladies? 

Hostess: I move that when we adjourn we adjourn 
to meet next Wednesday afternoon at 4 
o'clock. 

Dr. Winter : Make it 3 o'clock. 

Hostess: All right, at 3 o'clock; to meet at 3 o'- 
clock. Madam Chairman. 

(32) 



^rs. Gables: 

Hostess : 
Miss Hillman : 

Hostess : 

Mrs. Gables: 

Mrs. Hillman: 
Mrs. Leeborn : 

Hostess 

Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Gables : 
Dr. Winter: 

Miss Hillman ; 
Hostess ; 

Mrs. Hillman: 

Hostess : 

Mrs. Hillman; 

Miss Johnston ; 



Wednesday? Why, that is the day of 
Mrs. Edmondson's reception. I want to 
go. 

So it is. I had forgotten, I'm booked 
for the dining room. 

Yes, I want to go. I wouldn't miss it 
for anything. They say her new rugs 
are magnificent. 

Oh, they are,— perfectly beautiful! 
They are all in reds and browns, you 
know, the richest shades ! 

I haven't been there since the house was 
remodeled. Everyone is talking about 
the woodwork. 

Let's meet before the reception. 

That wouldn't give us time. The next 
meeting is very important. 

Oh no, one feels so mussy to sit around in 
one's reception gown. 

And I can't transact business in my best 
gown. I get all mixed. 

Nor I. I keep looking for refreshments. 

{affably) Law of association, I presume. 
You feel hungry in your dinner gown. 

Let's meet after the reception. 

I can't. I'm going to dinner at Mrs, 
Mitchell's. There won't be time. You're 
going, aren't you, Mrs. Hillman? 

Yes, I was, but I am anxious to meet. 

You can meet without me. 

No we can't. The idea! 

Not much we can't. 

(33) 



Mrs. Gables 
Hostess : 

Mrs. Gables: 
Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Gables 

Miss Johnston : 

Mrs. Leeborn : 

Dr. Winter : 



You are the heart of the enterprise, my 
Brutus ! 

Then how would it do to meet in the 
morning? Cut the Wednesday Club for 
once. I will. 

T can't cut. I'm on the program. 

What are you going to do, — Current 

Events? 

No, a paper on "The Problem of Child 
Labor as related to Juvenile Crime." 

(with a short, curt whistle) Well, I guess 
we'll excuse you from any further effort! 

(candidly) That is a very large subject, 
is it not? 



The Wednesday Ciub deals with tremen- 
dous questions. That's comparatively light 
for them. But where shall we meet next? 
I have to go. 

Miss Perkins: (pou7iding on the table) Let us have order. 
We can never fix a time to suit everybody. 
You have all heard the motion, — Ladies, 
please give us your attention ! 



Hostess ; 

Miss Perkins 
Miss Johnston 

Miss Perkins : 
Miss Johnston 

Miss Perkins 



I change the motion to Wednesday morn- 
ing at 10 o'clock. 

All in favor — 

At my house. It's central. (Talks aside 
to Mrs. Hillman) . 

(shrilly) All in favor, signify — 

(to Mrs. Gables) You can come late, you 
know. That's why I suggest my house. 

Ladies, the meeting is not yet adjourned. 
Let us finish the business. It is getting 

(34) 



late and soni« of the ladies have to go. 
All in favor say I. 

(in straggling chorus)ll Yes! 

Where shall we meet? 

V You can meet with me. 

If there is no objections — are no objection 
— -we will meet with Miss Johnston, 12 — ■ 
what is your number, Miss Johnston? (no 
answer. Miss Johnston is talking to Mrs. 
Gables) Miss Johnston, what is your 
number? 

Miss Johnston: (standing, adjusting her wraps) I thought 
everybody knew. 1128 Forest Avenue, 
1128. 



All: 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Dr. Winter: 
and 
Miss Johnston : 

Miss Perkins: 



Miss Perkins 
Miss Hillman: 



Then it is understood, (puts on her furs) 

(looking up from paper) Do T keep 
these — these Minutes? 

Miss Johnston: (starting to go) You all know the house, 
1128 Forest Avenue, the first street west of 
Chestnut, you know. All of you come,— 
I'll make some fudge. So long. I have 
just fifteen minutes to dress, (goes) 

(rising) Move we adjourn! 

(The Hostess goes into the hall) 

Second. 

I thought we were adjourned. There was 
a motion. 



Mrs, Gables ; 

Miss Hillman 
Mrs. Hillman: 



Miss Perkins 
Mrs. Leeborn: 



(putting on her gloves) That was when 
we adiourn. All in favor — 



(to Mrs, Hillman) You did beautifully, 
my dear, beautifully. 

(35) 



Dr. Winter: (to Mrs. Hillman) Congratulations, It's 
started O. K. Good bye, everybody. Come 
on, Miss Perkins, if yon're going my way, 
(they go out together), 

Mrs. Gables: (to Mrs. Hillman) Yes, one would think 
you had organized lots of clubs. 

Mrs. Hillman: (flushed loith success) No, this is my first. 
I was really awfully frightened. I hope 
it will be a success. 

Mrs. Gabl«s : It canH help but be, such a brilliant start. 
Oh, has Doctor gone? I wanted to see 
her. (she hurries out) 

Miss Hillman: You did very well. It is hard, isn't? 
(Me-enter Mrs. Kirkhride-Symonds) 

Hostess : A perfect success, my dear, a perfect 
success. Everything went off beautifully \ 

Mrs. Leeborn: Yes, bidn't it? 

Mrs. Hillman : (sinking into a big cushiony chair) I guess 
it is started now. I have organized a 
club I 



;a6) 



ACT II. 



Harriet : 
Mrs. Hillman : 

Harriet 
Mrs. Hillman: 

Harriet ; 

Mrs. Hillman : 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 



(The Library of the Hillman home one 
Monday morning in June, 190^. The 
room in confusion\ a child^s garment 
hanging downward from a chair. Mrs, 
Hillman in untidy tvrapper writing at her 
littered desk.) 

(Enter Harriet.) 

(with great timidity) Mrs. Hillman? 

(without looking up) Well? 

Lady to see you in the parlor. 

(not looking up) Who is it? 

Mrs. Gables. She wants to see you just a 
minute. 

Yes, I know what she wants. How do I 
look? Bring her up. (Harriet goes,) 
She'll have to come up, I suppose. Good 
heavens, this room ! (She springs up, 
snatches the child^s garment and folds it 
hastily) If I go down she'll stay a year. 
But this room is perfectly awful ! 
Well, it's Monday morning and she'll un- 
derstand, (picks up things discriminatety) 
Besides, hers looks as bad if not worse. 
(attempts to smooth her hair.) 
(Harriet opens the door for Mrs. Gables.) 

Good morning, Mrs. Gables, I'm glad to 
see you. Won't you sit down? 

No, I thank you, I really can't stay. 
(sits comfortably) I'm awfully busy this 
morning, selling tickets to fehe Orphans' 
Home Concert. Have you bought yours? 

Yes, somebody sold John four. He says 
(37) 



he wishes he were an orphan, 
'em out. 



he'd board 



Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Gables; 

Mrs. Hillman ; 



Mrs. Gables: 

Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Gables 

Mrs. Hillman 

Mrs. Gables: 



Mrs. Hillman ; 

Mrs. Gables 

Mrs. Hillman ; 

Mrs. Gables: 



Men do not understand these things. So 
far as they are concerned, the orphans 
and widows might die on the mountains, — 
Greenland's icy ones, at that. 

That's so, but it is a lot of work for you 
ladies. 

It is. I've worked like a Turk all Spring. 
Mrs. Kirkbride-Symonds is selling the 
boxes, you know. 

Is she? Then it'll be a success. She is a 
marvel and she does it all so easily. She 
has a positive talent for getting on with 
people. 

Yes, she has. What would this town do 
without her? By the way, I came to ask 
about — 

Yes, I know you did. I haven't done it. 

(leaning hack) The report ought to be in 
to-morrow. 

(anxiously) To-morrow? Does the commit- 
tee meet then? I thought it was Friday. 

Friday? Why, all the plans will be com- 
plete by Friday. What are you thinking 
about? It's tomorrow, — Tuesday. First 
they wanted it Wednesday, but Mrs. Mil- 
lar has a reception on Wednesday and she 
couldn't. 

(starting) Mrs. Millar? What has she to 
do with it? 

She? Why, woman, she's president. 

No, she isn't. Mrs. Mitchell is president. 

(gently hut very Jirmly) Mrs. Millar, Mrs. 

(38) 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs, Gables 



Mrs, Hillman 



Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Gables 
Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Gables 



J. Thompson Millar is President of the 
City Federation. 

Oh yes, of the City Federation. I'm talk- 
ing of the Monday club. 

(graciously) Oh, Mrs. Mitchell is Presi- 
dent of the Monday Club. What has that 
to do with your report? You don't report 
to the Monday club ; you report to the 
City Federation. 

I do? Oh, gracious, I am always so scared 
to report to the Federation! And then 
anything but a report. They are always 
so stupid. 

Yes, but a report is a report ; nobody ex- 
pects them to be very brillant. And then 
nobody ever listens. 

Miss Perkins always does and she pounces 
on you like a hawk the very minute you 
stop reading. But I didn't know it was 
to be ready for to-morrow. 

(nodding with energy) To-morrow, at my 
house. 

Well, I can't get it ready. Why, there 
are pages and pages of Minutes ! And 
several long-winded speeches. I can't; 
you'll have to. 

I can't read your notes, my dear. No- 
body can read anybody's else notes. They 
must be ready, though. What you got to 
do? 

A hundred things ! The joint committee 
meets this afternoon. That'll be a long 
seige. They have no idea of business. 

Women never have. But what'U they 
have to do? I thought it was all to be 

(39) 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Gables; 

Mrs. Hillman ; 

Mrs. Gables 
Mrs. Hillman : 

Mrs. Gables 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mrs. Gables 



done by separate committees. That's a 
fool way, a joint committee ! A joint com- 
mittee is as awkward as a calf ! 

Yes, but all the clubs have to be repre- 
sented. 

It takes three meetings of a joint commit- 
tee to get anywhere and then they're in 
the wrong pew ! You'd better write your 
report to-night, then. 

I've got something on for to-night ; the — 
the — oh, the Utility Club has an open 
meeting. Professor Matford is to talk on 
Asteroids. 

(lifting her hands) Asteroids! Heaven 
preserve us ! What does the Utility care 
about Asteroids? 

Nothing, but we'll have a good supper 
afterwards. 

And the men'U be bored to a frazzle, — ■' 
you have the men? 

{wearily) Of course, husbands and guests. 
I hate guest evenings ! 

Umph, I can see 'em wilt! Asteroids! 

And Matford is such an ®ld stick. An 

awfully disagreeable man. Who wanted 

him? 

(more wearily) Nobody, but he offered 

and we couldn't refuse; there sat his wife. 

You know she never misses. 

Yes, he offers and she sits around so peo- 
ple can't refuse. That's the way they 
work it. Then she talks about her hus- 
band's popularity. They ought both to 
be caged. He hasn't brain enough to run 
a peanut stand. And she thinks she is so 

(40) 



Mrs. Hillman : 



Mrs. Gables: 



Voice : 
Mrs. Hillman 

Mrs. Gables; 
Dr. Winter 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mrs. Gables 

Mrs. Hillman 



intellectual! Of course she'll wear that 
everlasting old purple silk dress and her 
real lace tie. It's queer she doesn't get a 
new dress— if she always must be every- 
where. 

[retrospectwely)She'' 8 good to have around, 
though, when you want to borrow things. 
Even Mrs. Spangler admires her cut glass. 

(leaning back more comfortably) They 
say they have money. He never made it 
teaching, sure. Nobody ever made any 
money teaching. Mrs. Mallory says that 
she had money from her grandfather's 
estate. He was — 

(A voice from below stairs cuts in.) 
My dear, I'm coming right up. 

(starting f grabs her '■back hair") That's 

Dr. Winter! (calls) All right, Elizabeth, 

come on. 

I must be going, anyway. 

(Dr, Winter comes in hastily) 

Morning, Mrs. Gables. (to Mrs. Hill- 
man) No, I can't sit down. I came to 
ask you (sits on the very edge of a straight- 
hack chair) if you would lead the P. E. 
O. Society in Browning three, no, four 
meetings? 

The P. E. O. I'd like to, but I think I 
can't. 

You re getting quite a "rep" as a Brown- 
ing student, Mrs. Hillman. They all want 
you, 

(modestly) Oh no, only I'm fond of Brown- 
ing. 

(41) 



Dr. Winter 
Mrs. Gables 

Dr. Winter 
Mrs. Gables 



Dr. Winter : 

Mrs. Gables : 
Dr. Winter : 

Mrs. Hillman : 



Mrs. Gables 



Dr. Winter 



Mrs. Gables 



Well, yon will have to do this. We voted 
to have you. 

(rising slowly) Well I must go. (makes 
remote preparations) I didn't intend to 
stay a minute. 

Don't let me drive you away, Mrs. Gables. 
I haven't but a second myself. 

I really must go. You know it is the last 
day of the ticket sale, (she starts ^ then 
turns) By the way, did you know, Doctor, 
that you are on the Banquet Committee? 
You are chairman. 

(vaguely) Banquet,- — banquet committee? 
Oh, the banquet tendered by The Profes- 
sional Woman's League? 

Yes, and we want your committee to con- 
fer with ours. 

You mean with The Scientific Kesearch 
Club? I don't think we are^ — (telephone 
hell rings) are authorized to confer — 

Excuse me. (goes to ^phone) Don't hurry 
away, Mrs. Gables, (she takes down the 

receiver) Hello, who is this? No, 

John, I haven't seen them. On the 

desk? Wait a minute, (goes to hus- 
band^ s desk and rummages while the ladies 
talk) 

Well, I'll see about it, but I understood 
that it was to be done by the two commit- 
tees. It would be better if the Research 
Club had charge of it. 

Perhaps. It would save time and trouble, 
anyway. Who is president of the Re- 
search now? 

(her hand on the door curtain) I am. 

(42) 



Br. Winter 



Mrs. Gables 



Dr. Winter: 



Mrs. Hillman 



Dr. Winter: 

Mrs. Hillman 
Dr. Winter 

Mrs. Hillman 

Dr. Winter 



Oil, you are. I didn't know that. I am 
a moss-back when it comes to clubs. I'll 
phone you to-morrow; no, Wednesday. 
Will that do? 

Yes, but don't forget. We must know as 
soon as possible. Well, Maid of Athens, 
i^waviU'g her hand to 3£rs. Hillman) I am 
gone, as Byron feelingly observes. So 
long! (goes,) 

[absently) So long! Fll 'phone you Wed- 
nesday, [takes out a note hook and is in- 
stantly absorbed) 

[straightens up from her search and steps 

to the ''phone) Hello Hello, is this 

John? I can't find them Are 

you sure they are there? Well, not 

in your desk ; I've looked and looked 

No, not anywhere Well, come get 

them then if you think they're there! 
Right away? Well, yes., may- 
be. ... , .Well, good bye. [she returns to 
her guest) Mrs. Gables should not have 
gone. It's just John; he's coming up for 
his old papers. How can I keep track of 
his papers? He's always losing them. 

[looking up from her note book) Say now, 
look here, are you taken for Feb. 7th, 
Feb. 21st, March 7th and March 21st? 

What are they,— Saturdays? 

Yes, the first and third Saturdays in Feb- 
ruary and in March. Can you help us out ? 

I don't know. Let me get my Browning 
Year Book, [goes to desk) 

Is Saturday your Browning Club? I was 
afraid so. 

(43) 



Mrs : Hillman 



Dr. Winter 



Mrs. Hillman 
Dr. Winter 

Mrs. Hillman 



Dr. Winter : 
Mrs. Hillman 
Dr. Winter 

Mrs. Hillman 



{consulting hook) No, our Browning dates 
are Feb. 7th, Feb. 21st, March 7th, — why^ 
they're the very dates you want! 

But I am not sure about these dates. 
{plunges into hand hag) I can't find my 
memoranda. It may be Feb. 14th, and 
28th and March 14th and 28thl How stu- 
pid of me not to know ! Let me think. 
{she taps her forehead idly with lead pen- 
cil) Are you taken for the 14th? 

The 14th of what? 
February. 

I think so, but there's a mistake here. 
I'll have to consult Mrs. Freeman. There's 
a mistake in these dates, — they're all mix- 
ed up. 

But we've got to know immediately. 

I can't see her until tomorrow. 

{looking around vaguely) Haven't the 
Freemans a 'phone? You see I must know 
to-day. 

Yes, certainly they have. Where is my 

head? {goes to ^ phone) 1193, please 

1193, I said Yes, 1193 Is this 

Mrs. Freeman? Freeman, Mrs. Free- 
man, is she home? Isn't in the city? 

Oh, not at home? When will 

she be? 10 o'clock?. .... .Oh, I see 

{laughing) I see Oh, isn't that love- 
ly? Well, I am very glad. .... .To- 
morrow? Oh thank, you, thank you 

,No, I thank you Good bye 

Yes, {laughing) Goodbye, {returns 

to her chair) Can't get her until 1 o'clock. 
The girl says her sister is to be married at 
her house to-morrow. 

(44) 



Dr. Winter 
Mrs. HLUman 

Dr. Winter : 

Mrs. Hillman : 
Dr. Winter : 



Mrs. Hillman : 
Dr. Winter: 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Dr. Winter : 

Mrs. Hillman: 
Dr. Winter: 

Mrs. Hillman : 



Dr. Winter 



Whose sister? 

Mrs. Freeman's. The little girl with the 
plump hands, you know. 

No, I don't know. I do not notice people's 
hands unless they get them cut or burned 
or something. 

(stooping to pick up one of her hair pins) 
Well, I'll tell you later. 

And I can't tell whether it is Feb. 7th, 
Feb. 21st, March 7th, March 21st or Feb. 
14th and 28th and March 14th and 28th. 
I'll call you up at 8 o'clock. 

I won't be in at 8. 

Then at 6, — that's your dinner hour, 
though, (rises) 

{rising) That doesn't matter. I'll be here 
at 6. 

Now you're to tell me, — but you under- 
tand. 

Yes, I think I do. Feb. 7th, 21st,— 

Or Feb. 14th and 28th. You see I don't 
know. 

I see, but it doesn't matter. Either I can 
or I can't and that'll settle it. I'd like to; 
I know nothing about the P. E. Oes. But 
my dates will settle it, of course. 

Of course. I can't think what became of 
the paper I had the memoranda on. 
C phone rings) Well, good bye. Don't 
come down ; I guess I know this house. 
{'phone rings) I'll phone you at 6, — did 
you say 6? Too bad to interrupt your din- 
ner, but business is business. C phone 
rings and rings) Good bye. (goes, Mrs. 

(45) 



Mrs. Hillman : 



Mr. Hillman 



Mrs. Hillman 



Mr. Hillman : 



Hillman hurries to ^phone) 

(at ^phone) Hello! Hello Who is this 

talking? Oh, Mrs. Sherman, pardon 

me (laughing) I didn't know you ! 

Oh, haven't you? Well, you are very kind 

I must have the program 

Middlemarch, Books VII and VIII 

Yes, I guess so No, I am not the 

leader. I come on March the third 

* 'Silas Marner" That's all right 

That's all right. Don't mention it! 

Thank you (laughing) Oh, thank 

you ! No I think it is too difficult. 

The course is too difficult The 

course is too hard (very slowly) 

The course is too hard ...... I say I think 

the course is too hard The course, — 

have you got that? Is too hard, too 

hard, — hard Yes, yes indeed ! 

Shakespeare? Yes, like the Browning club: 
(Enter Mr. Hillman, hat in hand. She 
motions him to be still. He tip-toes to 
his desk.) 

I didn't understand $2.50, I call 

that a good deal No, not regularly 

Well, send me a program to-day 

Oh, thank you (laughing) 

You are very kind Yes, certainly. 

Good bye. (hangs up receiver.) Hello, 
John. 

(rummaging through his desk) My papers 
aren't here, though everything else seems 
to be. (he throws out of the desk a child* s 
straw haty then a bean bag.) 

(at her desk, not looking up) Can't you 
find them? I told you they weren't there. 

Oh yes, of course you did. Well, for once 

(46) 



Mrs. Hillman : 

Mr. Hillman ; 
Mrs. Hillman 

Mr. Hillman 
Mrs. Hillman 

Mr. Hillman 



Mrs. Hillman : 
Mr. Hillman : 

Mrs. Hillman: 

Mr. Hillman : 

Mrs. Hillman : 
Mr. Hillman : 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Mr. Hillman : 
Mrs. Hillman: 

Mr. Hillman : 
Mrs. Hillman: 



you were right! But what shall I do? 
They are lost. 

[writing) They can't be lost. Have you 
looked in the desk upstairs? 

That desk is full of doll clothes. 

(intent on writing) They can't be lost. 

(calmly) They are, though. 

(sorting papers) They must be some- 
where. 

(irritably) Everything is somewhere, 
even in this house! (He tackles the desk 
again; throws a doll baby across the room.) 
Well, I'll have to have some more made 
out. Cost, $20.00, but we have money to 
incinerate, —at least we incinerate it! Can 
you come down and look at that carpet? 

What carpet? Oh, for the hall? I can't. 

The hall looks like the deuce. Come on; 
it's got to be done. 

I must stay right here at this desk until 
I get out this report. 

Come this afternoon, then. 

All right. 

At 4 o'clock. That'll give us time to look 
at those curtains I told you about. We've 
needed curtains for one year. 

All right, I'll drive down with the child- 
ren. Oh, no, I can't. 

Can't? Can't come? 

No, I forgot. I — I have to go somewhere. 

(looking at her fixedly) A club? 

(with much hesitation) Yes, a — a club. 

(47) 



Mr. Hillman 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mr. Hillman 



Mrs. Hillman; 
Mr. Hillman : 

Mrs. Hillman : 
Mr. Hillman : 



Mrs. Hillman 
Mr. Hillman 



(slams the top of (he desk dotvn) Clubs ! 
Every day it's a club! If I want you to go 
to the theater, can't. Club. If I want you 
to go down town with me and buy some- 
thing for the house, can't. Club. If I 
need anything, can't. Club. If I do get 
you out driving, we've got to stop at a 
dozen houses to see where some committee 
meets. CLUBS ! A man might as well be 
married to the Secretary of State ! Look 
at this room ! Look at this room ! I met 
Totty in the lower hall looking like a 
beggar. What's Totty doing in the low- 
er hall? 

(scorchingly) What were you doing in the 
lower hall? 

{ditto) I was afraid the upper hall was 
full of women passing resolutions. It's 
come to a pretty pass when a man can't 
come in at his own front door ! I am so- 
damn tired of clubs ! 

(with dignity) You need hardly swear 
about it. 

Be thankful I confine myself to swearing. 
The house upside down, meals late, child- 
ren neglected, (sits heavily) Clubs ! 

(very patiently) Are you quite through 
ranting, dear? 

No, the subject is inexhaustable. Look 
at this room ! Where are those papers in 
this '*wreck of matter and crash of 

worlds?" 

(soothingly) This is Monday morning, my 
dear. 

Then it's been Monday morning ever 
since the Flood! (the ''phone rings) The 

(48) 



Mrs. Hillman 



house is a scandal, that's what it is! (the 

'phone rings ; he goes to it) Hello ! 1103 

yes, . . . .1103, yes, . . . .Yes, Mrs. Hillman 
is here, {he turns to her) Here's another 
of those d — 

(springs up) John, be careful! You'd bet- 
ter go! (she snatches the receiver) Oh, is 
it you, Mrs. Kirkbride-Symonds? (he 
lifts his hat as if it were a funeral and 
stands with bared, bowed head) No, I don't 
know where— oh, you mean they won't 

meet? Not at all, not at all 

Who did you say? Who said so? 

She runs it, anyway. She thinks 

it's her club Yes, good bye 

What? At 3:30? When was the hour 

changed? No, I can't to-day I 

can't to-day Yes, I'm sorry 

Good bye Good bye. (hangs up re- 
ceiver and sits down exhausted,) 

Mr. Hillman: (putting on his hat) Was that Mrs. Kirk- 
bride-Symonds? I trust she is well. She 
is such a thoroughly capable woman! 
(he goes to the door, head high) I won't 
be home for luncheon. 
Why, you said last night — 
Last night? I said last night? Why, that 
was years ago! I have lived ages since 
then. But there was a time when I did 
remember remarks in my own house. 
There was a time when I had opinions ; I 
even remember a time when I used to 
laugh in my own house and be able to find 
things. But that was before the children 
were heathen ; that was before I was an 
outcast and a wanderer; that was before 
the parlor was filled with women pound- 

(49) 



Mrs. Hillman : 
Hr. Hillman : 



Mrs. Hillman: 



Harriet 
Mrs. Hillman 

Harriet 
Mrs. Hillman 

Harriet 

Mrs. Hillman : 

Harriet 
Mrs. Hillman 



ing the furniture and shouting ' 'Order!" 
That (with a sweeping wave of the hand) 
that was before you went in for "culture." 
(he mashes his hat down tight) If the 
house is here — and empty — I will come in 
for dinner, (he stalks out) 

(solus) John does get so mad! What is 
the use? Men have no patience. (she 
sighs, rises, walks to her desk, sits down 
and begins again, wearily) Now, I hope 
I'll have some peace. Some women make 
so much of nothing. Who cares what 
Mrs. Fuller does? Everybody knows her, 
(reads from paper) "On motion of Miss 
Perkins, it was carried to dispense — " 
that's the Utility, (takes up another) 
"The Treasurer's report for the quarter 
was read — " (takes up another) "After 
an interesting discussion, Miss Hillman 
moved-—" there's where I was. (writes.) - 

(Enter Harriet) 

Mrs. Hillman, I can't find — 

(writing) I can't see anyone. 

I just want to get — ■ 

(luriting) Say I'm busy — or dead. 

It isn't anybody. I can't find any clean 
stockings for Totty. 

(looks up) Clean stockings for Totty? 
What does Totty want with clean stock- 
ings? Has he fallen into something? 

No, Ma'am, he aint fallen nowhere. 

(resuming her writing) Then let him go 
as he is. 



Harriet: He can't go down town looking so. 

(50) 



Mrs. Hillman 

t 

Harriet 

Mrs. Hillman 



Harriet : 



Mrs. Hillman; 
Harriet 



Mrs. Hillman 
Harriet 



Mrs. Hillman : 
Harriet : 

Mrs. Hillman; 

Harriet 

Mrs. Hillman 

Harriet ; 
Mrs. Hillman 



Certainly not, but he isn't g )ing down 
town. 

But Mr. Hillman said to dress the children. 

(squaring about) What? Mr. Hillman 
said to dress the children? Mr, Hillman 
won't be home to luncheon. It doesn't 
matter; leave the children as they are. 

[meekly) No Ma'am, he said he wouldn't 
be home for lunch, but he ordered the 
carriage and told me to send the children 
down — 

Down? 

Down town for— for lunch, I guess. He 
said he'd see the children clean for one 
day if he had to keep them at the office. 

He said what? Are you crazy? 

[scared hut standing by her guns) He said 
he'd see the children clean for one day — 
that's what he said, and to dress them up 
and send them down by Kobert. 

Mr. Hillman said that? 

[gravely) Yessum. I — I think he was 
mad. 

[coldly) You do? What business have you 
to think anything about it? Go dress the 
children. 

But I can't find all their clothes and Tot- 
ty hasn't any best shoes and — 

[rising with dignity and decision) Where 

are the children? 

[grinning) In the bath tub, playing fishes. 

Well, go bathe them. I'll get the things. 
Get out Margery's blue dress. [Harriet 

(51) 



goes) And hurry up ; it's almost noon, 
(^i^^e sinks into a chair aud sits perfectly 
still a moment, staring straight ahead. 
Then the tears begin to get the mastery) 
Oh, this is dreadful ! John must be awful- 
ly mad, taking the children away ! Wants 
to see them c-clean for once. He just 
hates his home — maybe — maybe he h-hates 
me ! [rises and goes to the heaped-up work 
basket) I'll have to d-darn some, poor lit- 
tle fellow ! (she kisses a little stocking and 
wipes her eyes on it) It's too bad. They're 
the prettiest children in town, — every- 
body says so. John is so proud of them. 
(pauses, thinking) I know what I'll do. I 
know! I'll join the Mothers' Club. They 
are very domestic. They darn stockings 
and copy recipes and discuss all sorts of 
home topics, (searches for needle) They 
know all about houses and children and 
such things. I will; it's just what I need. 
John will be glad. He approves of the 
Mothers' Club. He said so once, (^^e dries 
her eyes on a limp little petticoat) Besides, 



Harriet: (from up stairs) I can't find Margery's 
best shoes. 



Mrs. Hillman 



(gathering up an armful of stockings which 
fall and trail after her as she walks) All 
right, I'm coming, (goes dropping spools 
and scissors.) 



CURTAIN. 



(52) 



